Beverly Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.

Penny: I'm Penny. I'm his neighbor.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm Beverly Hofstadter.
Penny: Nice to meet you. *Offers to shake hands*
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, you're a hand shaker. Interesting.

Leonard: So, Mother, what's new?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what's new with you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, well, I've been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverly Hofstadter: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.

Beverly Hofstadter: Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I don't know whether I must be, but yes.

Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you're lucky, maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I'd feel the same way. But based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverly Hofstadter: True. I've had a similar observation. It's certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverly Hofstadter: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Only when you're in a CAT scanner.

Sheldon: I'd love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I'll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can't believe that.
Beverly Hofstadter: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I've been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverly Hofstadter: Understandable.

Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, it's one o'clock, weren't you going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock?
Leonard: There's no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverly Hofstadter: But it's one o'clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o'clock.

Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It's surprising because I generally dont feel comfortable around, well, anyone.
Beverly Hofstadter: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverly Hofstadter: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I'd like to do the math.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'd like that, too.

Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.

Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverly Hofstadter: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.

Leonard: I think you'll find my work pretty interesting. I'm attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverly Hofstadter: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, what's the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.