Penny: Look, Sheldon, I'm really, really sorry but it's only going to be for a week. Can't you be a little bit flexible?
[Leonard, Howard, Raj and Sheldon all look at her]
Penny: Yeah, sorry, I didn't really think that through.

Leslie: Boy, your heart's racing. I must've really gotten you going.
Wolowitz: Well, it's partly you, partly my transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leslie: Sexy.

Howard: Hey, ma, you got to rent me a tux!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?

Howard: Don't come in, Ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why not?
Leslie: He's got company.
Howard: Oh, there's the arrhythmia.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is she Jewish?
Howard: Are you Jewish?
Leslie: No.
Howard: Yes!

Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.

Penny: What are we gonna do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now, you are you and you are screwed!

Leslie: Hey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you?
Howard: Oh, it's great. Everybody in the Engineering Department is eating their hearts out.
Leslie: Isn't it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable?
Howard: You know, most people don't get that.

Sheldon: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up, right?
Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had.

Beverly Hofstadter: Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

Penny: You can't let her get into your head.
Leonard: It's too late for me, my head is her summer house.

Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.

Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

Leonard: Here's your tea, mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: It's cold.
Leonard: I'll start again.

Beverly Hofstadter: So, where were we?
Leonard: Howard lives with his mother and Raj cant speak to women unless hes drunk. Go.
Beverly Hofstadter: That's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological clich.

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.