Sheldon: I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon: (Squirts Leonard with a water spray) Bad Leonard!

Bethany: So what do you guys do?
Howard: Oh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
Raj: Goth food.
Sarah: What's goth food?
Raj: Uh ... blackened salmon?

Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we're scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences?
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous un-dead out and about.
Howard: Oy vey.

Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga!

Sheldon: You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You're not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. Were talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I'm not. And Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn't prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You're not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

Raj: Are you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
Howard: Uh, yeah!
Raj: What is your mother going to say?
Howard: She's not going to see it. She takes my temperature orally now.

Sheldon: Well, I'm going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activities, you'll keep the decibel level to a minimum.

Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

Wolowitz: Sex is never the way I dreamed it was going to be.
Raj: Because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps!

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon: I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-conceived cricket wager.
Penny: What, do they have Wii Cricket now? Well, that can't be very popular.

Raj: Ooo, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.