Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the word ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

Sheldon: I feel like a teen heartthrob.

Amy: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon: I tried once. They do men and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

Penny: You know, Sheldon, sometimes it's nice not knowing what's coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we're trying again. We don't know what's gonna happen.
Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what's going to happen.

Leonard: Hang on, uh, uh, roommate agreement. Ha! Um, no hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after 10:00 p.m.

Penny: Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move out of your spot.
Sheldon: Why? My spot, your spot; what difference does it make?

Leonard: What are you gonna do first?
Sheldon: I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. *slams hand on table* I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.

Barber: I can cut it for you.
Sheldon: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio. *to Leonard* Can you believe this guy?

Althea: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?
Althea: Oh, dear. Did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained. You're not licensed. Most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look, we've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you're sick. You even saw me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry. Uh, what?
Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon.
Raj: Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego's? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard: We are going to play the online game.
Sheldon: The online game? Bully!

Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tire pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.

Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don't know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.

Sheldon: What else?
Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.
Sheldon: Well, she'd just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.