Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.
Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.

Howard: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj: I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: Believe me, I know.

Howard: The e-mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: You're kidding.
Raj: Why?
Howard: He's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he's looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair.
Leonard: That's amazing. You'll be like his pit crew. A word of caution, I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard: (imitating Stephen Hawking) You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.

Raj: Oh, boy, Sheldon's going to freak out.
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: That's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: Hmm, it's no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.

Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it's two a.m., get out of my bedroom?
Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I've done it. And I'm only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.

Sheldon: All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don't stop working on it.

Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
Howard: I told you, no.
Sheldon: But I said I'm sorry.
Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I'm sorry?
Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?

Sheldon: Howard, please, I'm begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.

Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You're kidding.
Sheldon: No, sir. No, I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I've made, he'll reach out to me.
Leonard: What if he doesn't?
Sheldon: He will, he's really smart.

Leonard: You do realize you own his ass right now.
Howard: I do.
Raj: You can make him do anything you want.
Howard: Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
Raj: Well, don't be too mean.
Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
Raj: I wouldn't mind a glass.
Sheldon: I wasn't talking to you.
Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.

Howard: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that's terrific.
Howard: But in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.

Howard: Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They're like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How'd you get them so shiny?
Sheldon: Oh, I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.
Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this.

Sheldon: (Wearing a French maid costume) What are you all staring at? Didn't you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?