Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: It's not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?
Sheldon: This is not my laundry.
Penny: Wow, are these Amy's? Kind of trashy, good for her.
Sheldon: Those are Howard's.
Penny: Ugh.

Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That's close enough.

Penny: I don't understand. Why doesn't Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he's punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
Penny: Well...
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, condescending means...

Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get 'im.
Howard: It's not her fault. She's getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny.

Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that's amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

Sheldon: Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Oh, for heaven's sake. I did your laundry. I peepee-proofed your belt buckle. I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

Howard: All right, Sheldon. There's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.

Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just came to me one morning in the shower.

Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. Its just, I was thinking Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking: Great, another fainter.

Barry Kripke: Howard, I'm going to say something to you that everybody's thinking but nobody has the courage to say out loud. When you invite a man to a bachelor party, the implication is there will be strippers. Maybe not completely nude, but at least pasties and G-strings. That's not unreasonable!

Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.

Leonard: It's a bachelor party. There could be strippes. Wouldn't that make you jealous?
Penny: Come on, Leonard, it's you. What's going to happen? I mean, even if there is a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with homework.

Leonard: Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under the right conditions, I am capable of just, really crazy stuff.
Penny: Really? What is the craziest thing you've ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
Leonard: Come on, that's got to count. There was a really strong undertow. We could have died.

Penny: Well, have fun tonight.
Leonard: Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
Penny: Yes, there is.