Bernadette: You're going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Penny: She is not going to come on to Sheldon.
Amy: Oh, really? Look at this face. How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, at some point that face starts talking.

Penny: What are you doing?
Amy: Isn't it obvious? I'm spreading my scent to mark my territory.
Penny: Come on, Amy. That is not going to work.
Amy: Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

Howard: Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?
Bernadette: What do you want me to do?
Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you're serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)
Howard: Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It's from your mom.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.
Penny: M-hmm.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. (Hands Penny a dollar bill) For your troubles.
Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route.

Penny: So, what's in it?
Leonard: Mmm, doesn't matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

Sheldon: Yeah, it's journals and research papers I wrote as a child.
Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?
Sheldon: No, that's my potty training journal.
Penny: Really, your potty training journal?
Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn't start typing until I was six.
Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?
Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Oh, disgusting.
Leonard: No, what's disgusting is he's still keeping track.

Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I've already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.
Leonard: I didn't know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

Leonard: So, you're going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?
Sheldon: That's a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labor.
Leonard: Not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, if I didn't think you could handle it, I wouldn't be asking.

Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jensen. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?
Alex: No, thanks. I'm fine.
Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone's smoking them. I think they're the best.
Alex: I don't do drugs.
Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They're not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice.

Sheldon: All right, so I see here you're from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you're summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss.
Alex: No, of course not. How did you know about that?
Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind a binder) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.
Alex: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.

Leonard: You talk to Howard lately?
Raj: Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable.

Alex: It's nice to meet you. I'm so excited to be working with Dr-
Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jensen. FYI, there will be no breaks.
Alex: I should probably get to work.

Penny: So, who are you calling?
Amy: I'm going to video-chat Sheldon. If my new look leads to phone sex, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room.

Amy: I'd like to speak to Sheldon.
Alex: I'm sorry. Hes asked me to hold all calls unless you're Stephen Hawking, his mother or himself from the future.
Amy: All right. Well, tell him Amy called.
Alex: Last name?
Amy: He knows my last name. I'm his girlfriend. We have a contract and everything. I'll send you a PDF.