Howard: Oh boy, we're just married to a couple of ballbusters, huh, Mike?
Mike Rostenkowski: That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.
Howard: Great couple of gals.
Mike Rostenkowski: I wouldn't go that far.

Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I can think of many things Spider-Man can't do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.

Sheldon: Amy's taking me to a memorial service. It's for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he'll never make his way back to China.
Leonard: That should lighten the mood.
Sheldon: What can I say? I put the fun in the funeral.

Sheldon: I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?
Amy: Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.
Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

Howard: Oh, you like to fish?
Mike Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard: Sure. I can hear it in your voice.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Oh, if he didn't like it, he wouldn't go.
Howard: You know, I hadn't thought of that.

Leonard: I'm no expert, but I think the hook has to go through the worm.
Howard: Fine. Sorry, Mr. Worm. Sherm. Sherm the Worm.
Penny: Hey, don't name him. Just jab a hook in his face.

Leonard: It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. Why is everyone taller than me? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard, why do you always do this? Listen to me, you're the one I'm with. You know I love you. So will you please relax, because you're driving me crazy.
Leonard: You know that's the first time you ever said you love me.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: We're just supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's exactly what we're gonna do, because you're about to make me cry. And we both know if I start crying, you're gonna start crying.
Leonard: You're right, I should go.

Raj: That's good quality video.
Howard: It better be. It's the same camera for the Mars rover.
Raj: How did you get your hands on that?
Howard: Million dollar camera. Ten dollar lock.

Howard: What kind of secret does Sheldon have to encrypt?
Raj: He's always been very cagey about what he puts in his egg salad to make it so tasty.
Howard: It's paprika.
Raj: Really? Well, okay, one mystery solved.

Leonard: You, uh, moving in to the apartment on the fifth floor?
Cole: No, I was just visiting a friend.
Leonard: Oh, cool. The cute blond on four?
Cole: Yeah, you know her?
Leonard: I see her around. I like to keep my distance because her boyfriend is a pretty scary dude.
Cole: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. He's ganged up.
Cole: She told me he's a scientist.
Leonard: That's the name of his gang. The Scientists. They're crazy.
Cole: Well, thanks for the tip.
Leonard: No problem, brother. Stay frosty.

Alex: Oh, hello, Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, Alex, call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure Dr. Boots Hofstadter's degree was honorary.

Howard: Forty-three. What is forty-three? Besides my mom's neck size.
Raj: It's the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff's radioactive.
Raj: Do you think he's building a bomb?
Howard: It took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star. I'm not worried.

Penny: Hey, shouldn't you be out with your gang, spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I'm sorry.

Howard: What could he be doing in there every day for twenty minutes?
Raj: Well, he's not doing twenty-minute abs, because if he were, he would have better abs.

Raj: He is kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates. Or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, please, you can't treat the man differently just because he's disabled. That's not okay.