Raj: I'd like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.

Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.

Howard: Okay, fine. Let's say there was a moment.
Raj: There was.
Howard: There wasn't. But even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?
Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
Howard: So nothing.
Raj: No, not a thing.

Leonard: You really think he's gonna send us to a bowling alley?
Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?
Leonard: It's not funny.
Sheldon: No. Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It's based on the premise that Princeton isn't a very good school.
Leonard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: Oh, see, now he gets it.

Leonard: I have asthma. Back off!

Sheldon: It's dirty laundry. You're up.
Penny: What? Why me?
Sheldon: Because you've been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.

Penny: Wow, I can drink a beer underwater!

Sheldon: So what prescription are you getting filled?
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: No wait, I want to guess. Don't tell me.
Professor Proton: I wasn't going to tell you.

Sheldon: No, wait. I'm really good at this. Give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
Professor Proton: Well, given my age, that's more than just a lucky guess.

Amy: Have you ever wondered why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

Professor Proton: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
Professor Proton: She sounds like a keeper.

Sheldon: Now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help. Because a lot of people think you're a washed up has-been ... or dead.
Professor Proton: I should be so lucky.

Professor Proton: If someone had told me people would still call me Professor Proton when I was eighty-three years old, I never would have quit smoking.

Bill Nye: What are you guys working on?
Leonard: We're making nano-vacuum tubes.
Bill Nye: Interesting.
Professor Proton: Haven't you stolen enough from? Back off bow-tie!