Sheldon: Aquaman? This isn't a gag gift, Stuart.

Leonard: This is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat. ... Oh, that's me getting rescued when I fell in.

Leonard: I'm going to hit the head. That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.

Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

Sheldon: That's curious. If there's no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?
Penny: Oh, well you know. I've got two hands and a bit of a drinking prolbem.
Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question.

Sheldon: Have you got Leonard a welcome home gift?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you want to go halfsies on a $200 squirt gun?

Bernadette: Howie, the estrogen is getting absorbed by your skin. That's why you've been all bloated, moody and a giant pain in the ass.

Amy: What does tweepodoc mean?
Sheldon: Elephant?
Amy: Lucky guess.

Sheldon: There was obvious someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard's lengthy sea voyage and Penny's famously ravenous nether regions.

Sheldon: No I should apologize. I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.
Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Let's not sugarcoat this. You find me finnicky, pedantic and annoying.
Penny: No, he doesn't.
Leonard: I have actually used those exact words before. In that order.

Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it's high time we address the tweepadoc in the room.
Leonard: The what?

Sheldon: No, no. You save your apologies for after you've had disappointing coitus with Penny.

Sheldon: This (Sailor's Hat) changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I'm wearing this year. Amy, you're going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the donuts.

Howard: I'm definitely up a cup size.
Raj: Yeah, but they're firm. So you've got that going for you.
Howard: Thanks, I needed that today.

Leonard: Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in Hell.