Leonard: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner!

Leonard: So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged.
Penny: Yeah, let me show you the ring.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we found a place online that repurposes diamond drill bits.
Leonard: We did not. That's not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?
Sheldon: Oh, sure.
Leonard: It came from Tiffany's.
Sheldon: You mean the box, right?
Leonard: Keep walking!

Mary Cooper: Shelly does not like change.
Sheldon: True. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

Sheldon: Oh, and here's a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.
Beverly Hofstadter: You don't look very happy.
Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.

Bernadette: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
Raj: Hey, I don't even live here.
Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.

Bernadette: Guys. In the time you've been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
Stuart: I put on pants.
Howard: Kiss-ass.

Leonard: Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van de Graaff generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Beverly Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Mary Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.
Sheldon: I was a handful.
Leonard: You still are.

Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium!
Mary Cooper: Oh, well! Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

Beverly Hofstadter: Mary, I'm curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?
Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

Mary Cooper: You must be very proud of your son.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
Mary Cooper: He did?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he's terrific.

Stuart: Morning.
Bernadette: We talked about this. I don't mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.
Howard: Hey. *enters wearing boxer shorts*

Mary Cooper: How was your flight?
Beverly Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mary Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone - not saying who - was watching over the plane.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.

Beverly Hofstadter: I read your paper. It was very impressive.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.
Leonard: That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.

Leonard: She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I am an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.