Bernadette: Whatcha doing?
Howard: Oh! Making myself a bologna sandwich like my mom used to make me after my dad left, but before she died.

Howard: But what room?
Bernadette: How 'bout this one?
Howard: No way. No, this is the room I associate the most with my mom.
Bernadette: Then how 'bout the bathroom?
Howard: I want to change my answer.

Bernadette: Hey. You got a minute?
Howard: Not really. Visigoths are kind of up my butt right now.
Bernadette: Pause the game, Howard.
Howard: "Howard?" Uh-oh. Make room, Visigoths.

Bernadette: Look, I get that you grew up here and you're attached to things looking a certain way, but I want this to feel like my house, too.
Howard: Oh, honey, of course it's your house. Why else would you be cleaning it all the time?

Bernadette: All right. Let's start over. I'm redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls. I'm changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.

Howard: May I say something?
Bernadette: Is it about how I can't have new wallpaper 'cause your dad left when you were little and your mom died?
Howard: Never mind.

Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It's Sheldon. Yeah, I know that we're broken up, but I'm leaving this message because I thought perhaps you'd like to watch me be interviewed for a documentary about Mr. Spock.
Or as I like to call it, a Spockumentary.
Yeah, I'm going to use that joke in the interview, so try to laugh like you're hearing it for the first time.
You know, hysterically. And with a tinge of sadness that I'm no longer in your life.

Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at 13 have problems succeeding later in life?
Raj: Hmm. I'm doing okay, and I was very popular at 13.
Penny: In school?
Raj: Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.

Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard: You tell me. You woke up in bed with one.

Sheldon: Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?
Penny: Yes. Don't take your shirt off just because the director said so.
Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I'm sure if there's nudity, it will be tasteful.

Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.

Leonard: Can you give us a minute?
Barry Kripke: Take your time. I'll walk out backwards for dramatic effect.

Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia, "A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties."
Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use "between" to refer to three parties?
Dealer: They should've used "among," right?
Sheldon: Or "amongst," if they were feeling whimsically archaic.
Dealer: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?
Sheldon: Absolutely. But don't be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.
Dealer: I am open to change.

Penny: Okay, does everyone remember the rules? If he's shirtless, one sip. Posing with a pet, two sips. Pet and shirtless, chug like it's your job.