Beverly Hofstadter: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
Leonard: Sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly Hofstadter: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there's no excuse for that.
Beverly Hofstadter: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: I was wrong, there's three excuses for that.

Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard's father doesn't discourage you from the commitment you've made to one another.
Penny: No, of course not.
Beverly Hofstadter: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.
Leonard: Mom, please save something for the toast.

Raj: I'm thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache.
Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?

Priya: It's a little weird your ex-girlfriend hanging out here all the time.
Leonard: I know. I usually never see my ex-girlfriends, unless their hard drives crash.

Leonard: You see, I used to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I became a good guy. See, that's kind of my superpower. I'm like Captain Good Guy!
(Alice pushes him out, then slams door)
Leonard: It's okay. Did the right thing. *tightens his jacket* You idiot!

Howard: That was weird, right?
Leonard: Was it? I honestly can't tell anymore.

Penny: Where's Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, he was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
Bernadette: That's so sweet.
Leonard: Yeah, but now he's gonna be up at dawn and want to play.

Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.

Leonard: Next question. Uh, "how close are you with your family?"
Penny: Pretty close.
Leonard: I'm gonna say not too close, but I'm hoping to get farther.

Penny: See, that wasn't so bad. He even picked up the check.
Leonard: Yeah. Although, when he was trying to figure out the tip, I'm pretty sure I saw smoke coming out of his ears.

Amy: Hey, did you guys know that Sheldon had a best friend growing up named Tam?
Leonard: Was that the imaginary talking koala?
Amy: No. He's a real person who apparently betrayed him.
Leonard: Yeah, so did the koala.

Howard: Wow. I wonder what that guy could've done to make Sheldon not talk to him for 20 years.
Leonard: I wonder if it'd work a second time.

President Siebert: Ah. There's my band of brainiacs. Where's Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: He's tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.

Penny: No, it does matter. Okay? You were right. It was Halloween. I was dressed as a cat, you were a hobbit. It was right there on that couch.
Leonard: Why didn't you just say that?
Penny: Because I always hated that was our first kiss. I was drunk, and I was still with Kurt, and I was using you to make myself feel better. I just wanted our first kiss to mean something. That's why I said it was the one on your birthday.
Leonard: I like that. We'll make that our official first kiss.

Penny: All right, this is making me crazy. Somebody's got to go over there.
Leonard: You got feet and legs, you do it.