Sheldon: How about this one?
Amy: He's barely moving. He looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him too.

Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be martians.
Sheldon: They would, wouldn't they? We could give them cool martian names. We could teach them about martian history, like who planted those flags or where'd that copy of Mars Attacks come from.

Sheldon: It's an earthquake. I knew it.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a little tremor.
Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.

Sheldon: You're kidding! What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else's bedroom?!
Howard: Thank you, Pasadena! Good night!

Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know. 2 or 3 days. Not important. I don't need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.
Penny: Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.

Koothrappali: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a near-sighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
Sheldon: Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Koothrappali: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I'm Kermit. You're Scooter.
Koothrappali: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.

Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?
Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy Bake oven of my mind.

Sheldon: Pee for Houston, pee for Austin.
Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
And shake twice for Texas.

Sheldon: [jumps out of the sofa] Bazinga, punk. Now we're even!

Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.

Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.
Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogens Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska, I'm certain I have no corn-husking antibodies.
Leonard: Sheldon, don't you think you're overreacting?
Sheldon: When I'm lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these gelatin cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.
*Sheldon holds a Q-tip toward his mouth for Leonard to swab*

Sheldon: "See you in hell Sheldon"? The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma.

Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.
Amy: I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be romantic.
Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.

Sheldon: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Sheldon: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.