Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: You know, I'm a physicist, I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

Sheldon: Hi, Mom, how are you?But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. (throwing a fit) No, that's not fair. Why should I have to apologize? I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you're right. I don't really know what Jesus thinks about. All right! Goodbye. (hangs up) (to Leonard) Did you tell on me?
Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have 2 strikes

Sheldon: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

Sheldon: You know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.

Wolowitz: *After he fixed Sheldon's algorithm* Gee, why can't Sheldon get a friend?

Mrs. Koothrappali: I told you no. Why don't you believe me?
Mrs. Wolowitz Cause it doesn't make sense to me. How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn't one Outback Steakhouse?

Sheldon: Who's Nowitzki?
Ramona: I'm Nowitzki.
Sheldon: Oh, so you want me to share credit with you?
Ramona: Uh huh.
Sheldon: Get out!

Howard: Easy. Instead of saying; 'No we don't wanna go on an NSF expedition,' say; 'No we don't wanna spend three months stuck in a cabin in the Arctic Circle with an anal nutbag!'

Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.

Sheldon: I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.
Leonard: Oh good God! Sheldon we don't ask questions like that!
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

Hooker: What's your name?
Raj: Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
Hooker: Hello Rajesh Ram...Hello Rajesh.

Leonard: How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were very smart. They used my complete lack of interest in what you are doing.

Wolowitz: As delicious as the appetizer may be, sooner or later we will have to succumb and eat the entree while its still ... hot.

Raj: What's with him?
Leonard: Penny is keeping him up at night.
Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way.