Leonard: Mary, I'm sorry you're in the middle of this.
Mary Cooper: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.
Sheldon: What? But he's a mediocre academic. And according to Beverly, his sexual prowess is subpar. He's basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Sheldon: Hang on, hang on! We're smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverly can't be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverly can't be together. Leonard and I can't be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don't like his face.

Wyatt: So how's the world of pharmaceuticals treating you?
Penny: Pretty good. I actually just got assigned a much better territory.
Susan: See what happens when you work hard?
Randall: Hey, she just sells drugs. I had to make 'em.

Randall: You know, It's hard to believe I've never met Leonard.
Wyatt: Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.
Susan: Not funny, Wyatt.
Penny: I thought it was really funny.
Wyatt: Thanks.

Susan: Well, fine, if everyone wants to make jokes about our problems, then I can, too. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Our family is an embarrassment.
Randall: That's not much of a joke.

Penny: Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time, and-and they're academics and-and intellectuals, and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

Leonard: Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, you know, actually that's not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.
Mary Cooper: Mm-hmm. And he's never been to Texas.
Alfred Hofstadter: Maybe we meet halfway.
Sheldon: In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can't be the only one that knows that's halfway.

Howard: Uh, this is Howard Wolowitz for Colonel Richard Williams.
Raj: Oh, I take it back, don't mention me.
Howard: Hi, Colonel Williams, how can I help you? What? Oh, uh, yes, he is from India. No, I don't know his immigration status. (Raj looks panicked.)
Howard: (To Raj) Relax, I'm still on hold!

Howard: Okay, sure, I can meet with you on Thursday. Caltech is fine. Yeah, and may I ask what this is about? (laughs) I may not?
Raj: (To Bernadette) That's what he said to me!

Leonard: I'm glad you decided to stay. It's gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I can't wait for this day to be over.
Leonard: Yeah, special, like that.

Leonard: That's them. Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.

Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn't need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but-
Wyatt: Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it!

Penny: So, uh, Randall, can't believe after all these years you finally get to visit me in California.
Randall: Well, good thing I was a nonviolent offender, otherwise I couldn't have left the state.