Leonard: That's them. Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.

Randall: You know, It's hard to believe I've never met Leonard.
Wyatt: Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.
Susan: Not funny, Wyatt.
Penny: I thought it was really funny.
Wyatt: Thanks.

Susan: Well, fine, if everyone wants to make jokes about our problems, then I can, too. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Our family is an embarrassment.
Randall: That's not much of a joke.

Penny: Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time, and-and they're academics and-and intellectuals, and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

Leonard: Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, you know, actually that's not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.
Mary Cooper: Mm-hmm. And he's never been to Texas.
Alfred Hofstadter: Maybe we meet halfway.
Sheldon: In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can't be the only one that knows that's halfway.

Beverly Hofstadter: You're not seriously going to visit each other.
Alfred Hofstadter: And why wouldn't we?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh please, you're just saying this to antagonize me.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that's just a bonus.

Leonard: Mary, I'm sorry you're in the middle of this.
Mary Cooper: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.
Sheldon: What? But he's a mediocre academic. And according to Beverly, his sexual prowess is subpar. He's basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Sheldon: Hang on, hang on! We're smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverly can't be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverly can't be together. Leonard and I can't be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don't like his face.

Wyatt: So how's the world of pharmaceuticals treating you?
Penny: Pretty good. I actually just got assigned a much better territory.
Susan: See what happens when you work hard?
Randall: Hey, she just sells drugs. I had to make 'em.

Susan: No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw! (Penny and Wyatt clink their beer bottles together)

Susan: Very nice, Wyatt. And you wonder why this one turned out the way he did.
Randall: You see what I've gotta put up with.
Susan: What you've gotta put up with? Why did you have to go to jail?
Randall: It's called getting caught, Mother!

Susan: Oh, Leonard! It's so nice to see you again!
Leonard: Oh, you, too! Hey, everyone, this is my mother, Beverly.
Beverly: Hello.
Susan: Hi.
Randall: We are not white trash!

Amy: Are you excited to see your son walk down the aisle?
Alfred Hofstadter: Yes, I am. I'm just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I've caused.
Mary Cooper: Oh, so am I.
Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.