Sheldon: Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Leonard: Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.

Penny: So Sheldon's last roommate tried to warn you off?
Leonard: For all I knew, he was the crazy one. He had this really deranged look.
Penny: Well, yeah. He'd been living with Sheldon.

Sheldon: Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That's Latin for my chair, my rules.

Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Leonard: What's the difference?
Sheldon: This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

Sheldon: I asked myself what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind. Toll both attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

Leonard: Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here.
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.

Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it's a firmware problem.

Raj: Great. It's not like I brought it up because I wanted to go.
Howard: You can come with us.
Raj: No, it's okay. I don't have to go. I'm happy to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I'm a walking, brown Yelp.com

Penny: Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.

Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.
Leonard: So you're going to work at the patent office?
Sheldon: Don't be absurd. That's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern.

Employment adviser: So, Mr. Cooper, you're looking for a job?
Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.
Employment adviser: Why thank you for noticing. I'm Menial Employee of the Month.

Howard: So what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.

Raj: Look at this. Do you think she's really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
Leonard: I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japense guys.
Raj: You don't know that. Prison changes people.

Howard: You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Well, usually I'm on the team that picks last. Unless there's a kid in the wheelchair.

Sheldon: I'm glad we're still friends.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.