Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we're scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences?
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous un-dead out and about.
Howard: Oy vey.

Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga!

Sheldon: You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You're not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. Were talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I'm not. And Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn't prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You're not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

Raj: Are you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
Howard: Uh, yeah!
Raj: What is your mother going to say?
Howard: She's not going to see it. She takes my temperature orally now.

Sheldon: Well, I'm going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activities, you'll keep the decibel level to a minimum.

Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear. Don't feed the gremlins after midnight. Don't get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?

Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. ... They were all written by Chris Columbus.

Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me. I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
Leonard: What's he on trial for?
Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you'd actually like my brother. He's kind of a chemist.

Leonard: So, what's going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother's tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he's getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he's getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate.

Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.

Howard: Okay, she's gone.
Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool.
Leonard: So, what's going on?
Raj: Okay, here's the deal .Six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
Howard: So?
Raj: So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university. And when they find out I've got squat, theyre going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.

Sheldon: And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.

Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny: (from outside) Why doesnt he just get another job?
Howard: (Raj whispers to Howard) What are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not.

Leonard: Don't worry. You'll find another job.
Raj: Yeah, let me start practicing for it. "Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?"