Sheldon: Gotta run. (Looks down at scissors) But not with scissors, that would be unsafe.

Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline. To the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.

(Leonard & Alice are kissing)
Leonard: Damn it, I can't. I can't do this.
Alice: Is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out, you're in for a real surprise later on.

Sheldon: New topic: women. Delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?

Sheldon: [to Brent Spiner] You are now my mortal enemy.
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry it doesn't take up too much of your time.

Bernadette: (Yelling at Raj) I'M NICE TO EVERYONE!

Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!

Penny: That top has paid off in free drinks 10 times what I originally paid for it.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of money tied up in promiscuity futures.

Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.

Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.

Leonard: Come on, she's your friend. Step up! [Knock * 3] Amy. [Knock * 3] Amy. [Knock * 3] Amy. (Turns to leave) Bye!
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I'm single, I don't need this crap.

Howard: Oh, come on, the man torments me. I'm just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.

Leonard: Some kind of nerd? I'm the king of nerds.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: It means that if someone makes me mad, I won't help them set up their printer.

Sheldon: Oh no, they sent the wrong Spock. Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!

Wil Wheaton: Oh, Internet. This is so going all over you.