Amy: I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm proud of me, too. I've done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I've arrived at the rock solid certainly I've made the right choice.
Amy: Well, that's got to be a good feeling.
Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although ...
Amy: Oh crap!

Sheldon: Oh look, a quarter!

Raj: Any news on your co-worker who's in the hospital?
Bernadette: The poor thing. She was in surgery for eighteen hours. She's alive but she's still in critical condition.
Raj: Oh no.
Bernadette: The one bit of good news is they put her in a medically induced coma before she read the card. So you know, silver linings!
Howard: Were you like this when I married you?

Wil Wheaton: Well, I've certainly taken some jobs I've been embarrassed by.
Penny: I wouldn't exactly call Star Trek embarrassing.
Wil Wheaton: I wasn't.
Penny: Me either.

Wil Wheaton: I tell you, this business is brutal. To this day I hate going on auditions. I walk in and I can just feel them thinking "He was such a cute kid. What happened to him"? Then I don't get the job and I can never find out why. Honestly, I get so depressed there are entire weeks where I can't even get out of bed.
Leonard: Okay, this was helpful!

Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?

Leonard: That was Wil. He's feeling a lot better. Apparently he's twelve down in the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Sheldon: With the Xbox One I can control my entire entertainment system with voice commands. Up until now I've had to use Leonard.

Amy: Please pass the butter!

Leonard: Does it at least pay well?
Penny: Less than I made at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: What does your agent think?
Penny: She's thinking of taking a job at the Cheesecake Factory.

Leonard: Two women at the same time? Nice job, playa!
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Was it the two women thing or the "playa"? ... It was the playa.

Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.
Leonard: If only there were a solution to that.

Leonard: Why did I pee before I decided to move in here?

Penny: Next time I get a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.
Sheldon: Here come the waterworks!
*Sheldon runs off to the bathroom*
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask?
Penny: What is this, my first day?

Emily: If it makes you feel better, you're not the wierdest guy I've met off the Internet.
Raj: Well, give me a chance. You don't even know me.