Bernadette: You're not working. How'd you like a job in home healthcare?
Penny: Not a chance.
Bernadette: Please, I'm desperate.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: I'll pay anything you want.
Penny: Okay then, yeah.

Leonard: So, listen. There was something I was hoping to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon: Of course. She's spent many nights here, and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard: I'm not.
Sheldon: Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.

Leonard: I'm gonna see where he is.
Penny: How?
Leonard: I know his password so I can track his phone.
Penny: You do that?
Leonard: Not always. But ever since he wandered off at the swap meet chasing a balloon, I get worried.

Sheldon: [President Siebert said] that everybody has to do things they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do although he didn't want to. And that was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That's a rude thing to say ... out loud.

Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.

Raj: But before I take my shirt off, I need like ten minutes to do some crunches.

Raj: If she isn't going to use it, why are we doing this?
Howard: She'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a honey-baked ham.

Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you're going home with all five foot six of this?
Penny: You think you're five foot six? That's funny.

Raj: Wouldn't you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?
Sheldon: Can't happen. We have an iron-clad relationship agreement which precludes her from sexual contact with anyone other than me.
Raj: But you don't have sex with her either.
Sheldon: Slick, huh?

Leonard: So I'm like a bran muffin?
Penny: What? No, that's not what I'm saying.
Leonard: No, that's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? I'm choosing you.
Leonard: It matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a cinnabon, a strawberry pop tart. Something you're excited about, even if it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.

Howard: The doctor says you've got to get exercise.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I get plenty of exercise.
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn't exercise!

Howard: Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.

Raj: Aren't you going to get 3D glasses?
Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking "bridge of nose Herpes".
Raj: Is that a real thing?
Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out.

Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?
Raj: Eleven.
Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?
Raj: Eleven.
Raj: Wait, do I count the 200lb Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic-Con?
Sheldon: Sure.
Raj: I'll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.

Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.
Raj: Thanks for inviting me when everyone else said no.