Leonard: Listen. If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't. We were both drunk and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Penny: Did you feel guilty?
Leonard: Well, she had dental insurance.

Leonard: Okay, look. Instead of fighting, why don't we dim the lights, get naked and make a baby?

Was trying to lighten the mood. It's not easy. You try it.

Sheldon: Hello, mother.
Mary Cooper: Shelly. How's my baby doing?
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you're open to praying for a bee hive to fall on her head.

Mary Cooper: Oh, what's going on?
Sheldon: She broke up with me.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Shelly.
Sheldon: Well, I'll be okay. But I think I'd like to send the ring back to you.
Mary Cooper: Let's not be hasty. Are you sure it's over for good?
Sheldon: It's over for me. I'm done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks, they both hurt you on purpose.

Mary Cooper: Do you wanna tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Are you gonna say it's all part of God's plan?
Mary Cooper: Good chance.

Mary Cooper: Well, honey, don't send it back yet. Your sister's married, and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.

Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mary Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.

Amy: I just hope I did the right thing.
Stuart: I'm sure you did. Maybe that's the problem, you always do the right thing. Maybe it's time to do the wrong thing?
Amy: Like you're doing right now?
Stuart: Exactly.

Leonard: Look, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.

Sheldon: Wow. Marriage must agree with you. You are just glowing.
Leonard: I'm not glowing. I'm upset.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.

Sheldon: Knock, knock, knock, Penny. Knock, knock, knock, Penny. Knock, knock, knock, Penny.

Penny: What's this?
Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.
Penny: Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Sheldon: I know.

Sheldon: It turns out being sweet isn't enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

Sheldon: Oh, you don't need to worry about her. She's brilliant and attractive. She can do way better than Leonard.

Sheldon: You know, this might sound far-fetched, but I'm on the market now. If I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.
Penny: That's ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem is so low she could be with Leonard.
Penny: I'm with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever.