Leonard: Hey. Excuse me, I'm looking for a Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Asian Guy: Oh, so you're here about the room?
Leonard: Yeah.
Asian Guy: Run away, dude.
Leonard: Wait. What?
Asian Guy: Run fast, run far!

Howard: You've already got Penny?
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!

Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard: A dolphin might.

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you can try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice? Their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.

Leonard: When I made that agreement, I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend, and I was positive you never would.

Leonard: Barry Kripke started a fencing club.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.
Leonard: It's indoors, so no sunscreen.
Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.
Leonard: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.
Sheldon: Or worse, up.
Leonard: Preach.

Leonard: If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds they shouldn't have started the Syfy channel.

Leonard: Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in Hell.

Sheldon: I appreciate your concern but I won't be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we'll deduct any extra time I see her at work from our weekly quota.'
Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.
Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on her face when she hears my top notch idea?
Leonard: Please, oh please, just let me be there.

Penny: Look, I'm sorry I said I was okay with everything before we got married. I hate that we're going through this, but I don't know what to do.
Leonard: If you don't mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling.

Leonard: Don't anthropomorphize him. He's got big eyes but his feelings are not like ours.

Leonard: Please don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband.

Leonard: All right, here's the deal. Sheldon is gone so the tree decorating rules are out the window.
Penny: Which means we don't have to use his ridiculous ornament spacing template.
Leonard: And I'm happy to report its Kickstarter campaign is holding steady at $0.

Amy: After a lively debate, that motion passed by a 2-0 margin.
Leonard: It's nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.