Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! [silence] I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny: Boy, it's good to be back.

Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime jello?
Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yogurt. Here, swab my throat.

Howard: It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you.
Howard: It's my own fault. I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of '06.

Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I'm sick, thank you very much.
Penny: How could you have gotten it from me? I'm not sick.
Sheldon: You're a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You're doomed!

Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want?
Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croûtons.
Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.
Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croûtons?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then surprise me.

Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself.
Penny: Really, never?
Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.

Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard: Unless Sheldon's there, in which case you'll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.

Howard: Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn't on?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn't.
Leonard: Okay, it's on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard: I know!

Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don't think Penny’s ever coming here again.
Sheldon: I'm very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labeled mucus.
Leonard: If I stand, I'll vomit.
Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.

Dr. Gablehauser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we're the best physics research facility in the country.
Dennis Kim: I already know you're not. You don't have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.
Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
Dennis Kim: Well, obviously you don't see it yet, but trust me, you will.

Sheldon: What the hell do you mean, dead end?
Dennis Kim: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition ... ooh, look, chocolate milk.
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force.
Leonard: (Imitating Yoda) A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm.

Sheldon: Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis Kim: Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
Sheldon: Oh, alright. This is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.

Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec centre, they've got nautilus equipment.
Dennis Kim: Do I look like I lift weights?
Leonard: Not heavy ones.

Leonard: It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?

Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you'll feel better.
Sheldon: Why waste food? In Texas when a cow goes dry they don't keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
Penny: I'm confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?