Howard: When would you move in?
Stuart: Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm gonna say now.

Stuart: But I am ready to be helpful. In fact, I'm gonna go vacuum.
Bernadette: Actually, I just did that this morning.
Stuart: Okay, then I'll dust.
Bernadette: I did that, too.
Stuart: Then I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Bernadette: Howard just did that.
Howard: Yeah, let him do it.

Sheldon: There's hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.
Penny: Oh, no, no, those hooks are gone.
Sheldon: What happened to them?
Penny: Uh, we ran out of candy on Halloween, I was just giving everything away.

Leonard: Hey, guys, what are you? Oh, that's here, cool.
Penny: Amy wants me to have it.
Amy: Well, it would be selfish of me to keep it.
Penny: But it's a picture of you.
Amy: And you.
Penny: But you commissioned it.
Amy: To give to you.
Penny: But you like it so much.
Amy: So do you.
Penny: I seem to be losing.
Leonard: Yes, you do.

Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?
Penny: Why don't you keep it?
Sheldon: That seems fair. We did just give you the painting.
Penny: Yeah, I don't need anything around that I can stab myself with.

Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our ... avocado plant?
Leonard: Sounds right. A limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.

Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.
Leonard: Fine, take the plant.
Sheldon: Oh, we got a sword and a plant. Our apartment's really shaping up.

Amy: Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.
Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

Amy: Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Amy: Well, I'm sure she misses this one. I mean, it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.
Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.

Amy: If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?
Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.
Amy: Great, what'd you have in mind?
Sheldon: Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I'd somehow be unburdened.
Bert: Is it working?
Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.

Bert: Well, you know, we're both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.
Sheldon: Well, hang on. You're my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I'm my own worst enemy. That makes you my fr-- Okay, I'm good to go.

Bert: Sheldon wait. You know, you've got a lot to be happy about. You're at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.
Sheldon: Yes! That's right! I have Amy! In the past, you've professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don't?
Bert: It used to. But now that I'm rich and successful, I think I can do better.

Stephen Hawking: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking!
Stephen Hawking: I understand you're struggling with professional jealousy.
Sheldon: Thanks, Leonard, now he's not gonna think I'm cool.
Stephen Hawking: Don't worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize.
Penny: Oh, wow, that doesn't seem fair.
Stephen Hawking: It's fine. I've been on The Simpsons.
Sheldon: How do you deal with the success of your colleagues?
Stephen Hawking: I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek.
Leonard: (To Penny) Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac - You don't care.
Stephen Hawking: Don't waste your time on jealousy, Sheldon, you're too brilliant.

Amy: How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you're brilliant?
Sheldon: I can't. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.
Stephen Hawking: I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.
Sheldon: What a wonderful idea! How does this man not have a Nobel?
Leonard: (To Amy) Do not tell Wolowitz.
Amy: Way ahead of you.