Leonard: Well, if Sheldon and Amy don't want to expose Pemberton, that doesn't mean someone else can't do it for them. They'd never have to know.
Penny: Really? You'd do that?
Leonard: They deserve the Nobel. I'm not gonna let two frauds steal it from them. And if that means getting my hands dirty, so be it.
[Penny laughs]
Leonard: What's so funny?
Penny: Just realized I've never actually seen your hands dirty.

Barry Kripke: All right, Hofstadter, here's all the proof you need.
Leonard: Great, thanks.
Barry Kripke: Just remember, once you take this envelope, there's no turning back.
Leonard: What if I look at it and decide not to use it?
Barry Kripke: I had not considered that. Got to hand it to you, you got a real talent for making things boring.
Leonard: Thanks.
Barry Kripke: Hey, look at that. You did it again.

Howard: So guess what. There was a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory back in the day who kind of had a thing for me.
Raj: Other than Bernadette? That does not sound right.

Raj: Oh, well, who was it?
Howard: It doesn't even matter. I'm happily married. The point is women - plural - find me appealing.

Raj: We know it wasn't Penny, we know it wasn't Susan-
Howard: Wait. How do we know it wasn't Susan?
Raj: Uh, because she had a type.
Howard: What type?
Raj: Don't make me say it.
Howard: Are you saying I'm not a handsome guy?
Raj: See? It's mean, right?

Howard: It could've been anybody. Marta, Gina, Annalise-
Raj: It's a little creepy that you remember all their names.
Howard: Not just their names. The cars they drove, the color of their eyes, and whether or not they had boyfriends.

Penny: Okay, look, Leonard knows that you and Sheldon decided to take the high road, so he went to Kripke for you. But that just means you didn't do anything wrong, and now you don't risk losing to those idiots.
Amy: Why did you tell me? Now that I know, I'm implicated.
Penny: But you wanted me to.
Amy: I also wanted you to be my jester at the Renaissance Fair, but that didn't happen.
Penny: I wanted to be a princess.
Amy: There was only one princess, and it was me!
Penny: Fine. I'm sorry I told you.
Amy: And I forgive you. 'Cause that's what a princess would do.

Sheldon: Kudos on the meatballs. They're nice and round.
Amy: Thanks.
Sheldon: Yeah. They're much better than those prolate spheroids you used to pass off as balls.

Dr. Pemberton: Hold on, are you blackmailing us?
Amy: No, the opposite.
Dr. Pemberton: We're blackmailing you?
Amy: How are you up for a Nobel?!

Dr. Campbell: Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler. Just the guy I want to see.
Amy: Are you drunk?
Dr. Campbell: I was, and then I still was. And now, I still was.

Dr. Campbell: Pemberton is out. Someone published all the information about his plagiarism. [whispers:] It was me. Someone else told Fermilab, and he lost his job. [whispers:] Also me. And someone is sleeping with his ex-wife and it's not me.
Amy: I thought it was.
Dr. Campbell: Not anymore. Apparently, just because I'm better than her husband doesn't mean I'm as good as her contractor. Women, huh?

Dr. Campbell: Hear me out. Look, the three of us could team up. There's one small catch. Dr. Pemberton has been saying a lot of bad stuff about me. But don't worry, I couldn't possibly have done any of it, because I was with you guys the whole time. [whispers:] I did it.

Sheldon: Frankly, I don't know what Linda ever saw in either of them.

Sheldon: Oh, maybe I should pick her up.
Amy: You don't drive.
Sheldon: That's what makes you and me a great team. Go get your keys.

Leonard: You can't pick her up. It'll make me look like a bad son.
Sheldon: I imagine that's one of the things we'll talk about on the ride. That and Amy's recent reluctance to use turn signals.
Amy: We were in a parking garage.