Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves)
Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.

Sheldon: Here's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie: It wasn't even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty.

Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can't get the damned key out.
Sheldon: Well that's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a center cylinder system.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

Sheldon: Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon!

Penny: God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures. They're almost pure protein.

Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny: I did, and he said he'll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly.

Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn't plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.

Leonard: So how was work today?
Stephanie: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
Leonard: I'm hoping that's three different guys.
Stephanie: No, just the one. He didn't make it.

Penny: So, who is she?
Leonard: Oh, she's a doctor.
Penny: Oh, nice. A doctor doctor, or a you kind of doctor?
Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not because, in fact, you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well, that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Screw him. You're fine.

Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you'd just told me you were going the office.
Leonard: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon: See, why don't I believe you?

Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That's just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don't make the rules, Leonard.

Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet? ... You dog! Good for you.
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So why'd you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy. See ya.

Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signaling that he'd like to talk to me in private.

Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars Rover?
Howard: No, you're mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.

Sheldon: Is there some problem?
Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.
Sheldon: All right, goodbye.
Leonard: No, wait. If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can't tell you that.
Sheldon: Who would ask me?
Leonard: I can't tell you that, either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going and you can't tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah, I really didn't think this through.