Howard: Ow. Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don't remember your circumcision.

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.

Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.
Penny: Female jibber jabber?
Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.
Penny: Oh, they're not my friends.
Sheldon: I'm not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

Sheldon: In here you'll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Elizabeth: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon: Then there's really no reason to live, is there?

Leonard: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: Well, she doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame here? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.

Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli.

Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?
Leonard: I'll send them a basket of muffins.

Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?
Leonard: I'm lactose intolerant.
Sheldon: And you don't wish to alarm me with any more loud noises. Very thoughtful.

Penny: is he quitting his job at the university?
Leonard: Oh no, he's going to telecommute. Everybody's really excited about it.

Sheldon: In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?
Sheldon: I sense you're making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.

Sheldon: I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It's one of the first thing I plan to bring up upon arrival.

Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn't possible contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under sea food.

Sheldon: When does the C.S.I. team get here? Policeman: What? Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I've bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect. Leonard: What about me? Sheldon: I'm sorry, Leonard. It's too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.

Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask for you to shoot him?
Police Officer: I'd be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Penny: I can't believe it. if I hadn't been working the dinner shift, I would've run right into the robbers.
Leonard: Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I'm not scared. I would've gone all Nebraska on their asses.