Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone?
Sheldon: Well, sure.
Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavor is this?
Sheldon: Guess.
Leonard: Papaya?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Guava?
Sheldon: You're so close.
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. (Leonard spits it out) What are you doing? You said you liked it!

Agent Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Oh, all right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

Agent Page: Would you characterize him as responsible?
Sheldon: I'm going to answer this with a visual aid. This my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray box-set. Mr Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me hoping I wouldn't notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?
Agent Page: That's really not the kind of thing we're interested in.
Sheldon: You heard me say Blu-ray, right?

Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.

Leonard: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.
Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully.
Agent Page: Who?
Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind.

Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that?
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Sheldon: Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
Agent Page: I'm afraid not. Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he's overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is.
Agent Page: The Mars Rover?
Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?
Agent Page: You did.
Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

Leonard: Why can't you sleep?
Sheldon: Who knows? I haven't watched any scary movies recently. I'm no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it's been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.
Agent Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Yes.
Agent Page: Was your statement untrue?
Sheldon: No.
Agent Page: Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I don't recall you saying no backsies.

Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Sheldon: Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I'll have a Rosewater Ricky.

Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see. You're saying I'm facing Starfleet Academy's unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.
Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can't win.
Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.
Penny: Kirk cheated.
Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It's hard to believe I'm actually having this conversation with you.
Penny: Right there with you.