Raj: Don't talk to her (Siri) that way. She's a lady.
Barry Kripke: Well, that lady took high-res pictures of my junk last night for Craigslist. Later!

Howard: She (Siri) is gonna break his heart.

Penny: You're over-thinking this.
Leonard: No, I'm not.
Penny: Yes, you are. You always over-think things.
Leonard: Ah, now there you go. Always made it worse.

Sheldon: Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
Leonard: I don't know, he was pretty bad ass on Heroes.
Sheldon: Nope. Sorry Quinto, you're going back!

Leonard: You said always. You'll always have feelings for me.
Penny: So?
Leonard: So, that sounds more like something you'd say if you didn't want a relationship with someone. This isn't working out, but I'll always have feelings for you. I'm sorry I slept with your best friend, but I'll always have feelings for you. Here's the thing, Lisa, I'm into dudes now, but I'll always have feelings for you.

Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Leonard: Uh, let's see. Uh, I am an experimental physicist at Cal-Tech, most of my research is with high-powered lasers, and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow. Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God, no. The money's pretty good. And I used the equipment to make my own Bat-signal.

Penny: Okay, uh, let's see. I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true.

Leonard: Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh, sorry, yeah. Awkward.

Leonard: So, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about awkward?
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds right.

Bernadette: Relax, you know Leonard's always been crazy about you. It's gonna be great.
Penny: I know, but we've finally gotten to a place where we can hang out without it being weird. And what if something goes wrong? Then what?
Amy: Guess it'll just be Sheldon and me going on a double date with Howard and Bernadette.
Bernadette: Sure, we'd love that. (To Penny) Change your clothes, we got a lot riding on this.

Bernadette: Why do you think he asked you out again?
Penny: I don't know.
Amy: Maybe he's dying. That would be so romantic.
Penny: He's not dying.
Amy: Too bad. If he were, she could just throw him in bed and ride him right up until he flatlines.

Bernadette: Do you think you'll sleep with him tonight?
Penny: Absolutely not. Look, we're just gonna have dinner and, you know, see how it goes.
Amy: If he were dying, would you sleep with him?
Penny: What?
Amy: Assuming he were dying of something that couldn't be sexually transmitted. You know, like a spear wound to the head.
Penny: Okay, he is not dying.
Amy: How do you know? Are you a doctor?

Bernadette: You can make-believe, though. Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up and I'm a sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I'm not in his HMO network.

Raj: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because she's great in everything.