Howard: She hid my XBOX like I'm a child. And my mom got me that for my birthday so if you don't give it back, I'm telling.

Sheldon: Okay, stop ruining Valentine's day and order my pizza.

Raj: Dude, I'm a single man. Saturday night is my party night.
Howard: Really? What do you got going on?
Raj: I don't know. Maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callenders, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Raj:What time should I be at your mother's?
Howard: I told her around seven.

Amy: Check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.
Amy: And this is Amy.
Sheldon: We're not home right now.
Amy: 'cause we out dropping science, son.
Both: Leave a message.
Amy: Beep.

Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.
Leonard: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I'll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I'll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

Howard: If you don't leave now, she'll use food and guilt to keep you there the rest of your life.

Howard: Great. Come on in.
Raj: What, you don't say thank you?
Howard: It's my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle.

Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.

Leonard: I don't have to put up with this.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a Roommate Agreement that says you do.
Leonard: Here's what I think of your Roommate Agreement.
Sheldon: You pick that up right now.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Roommate Agreement, Section 27, Paragraph 5: "The Roommate Agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."

Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She's huge. It was funny.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far what would I need with you.
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you'd be doing both of us a favor.

Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy's out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.

Leonard: Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly. You're impossible.

Sheldon: I suppose there's no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations, and the high pitch wails of despair.
Penny: Yeah and who knows how Amy will react.