Raj: I broke down and read Lucy's blog. In one of the entries, she said when we first met I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard: Just a little? That's great.

Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

Penny: Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: Uh, he's not gonna be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh, sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub.

Penny: So then during the afternoon shift, I spilled an entire tray of drinks on myself.
Leonard: Oh, that's awful.
Penny: Not really. My shirt was soaking wet. I got like the biggest tip of my life.

Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Howard: How's that been working for you?
Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt.

Raj: So, anyway, last night on video chat, I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.
Leonard: Oh, that sounds romantic.
Raj: It was, until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.

Sheldon: Don't worry, officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.

Amy: It's fine. I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. And the guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.

Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don't tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.

Leonard: I got them on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

Sheldon: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. I got a C- four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Raj: Great idea. I haven't had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they're gone.

Amy: Thor is a god. The hammer is his. Only he can use it. It's like Sheldon and his toothbrush. Or his thin, beckoning lips.