Leonard: Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly. You're impossible.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She's huge. It was funny.

Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.

Leonard: I'm not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn't that right?
Penny: It's like the happiness won't ever leave the apartment.

Leonard: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.
Sheldon: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn't see it coming, either.
Leonard: Why would you say that?
Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

Leonard: Why would you say that?
Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

Sheldon: What? I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly. You're impossible.

Leonard: I don't have to put up with this.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a Roommate Agreement that says you do.
Leonard: Here's what I think of your Roommate Agreement.
Sheldon: You pick that up right now.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Roommate Agreement, Section 27, Paragraph 5: "The Roommate Agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."

Howard: Great. Come on in.
Raj: What, you don't say thank you?
Howard: It's my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle.

Raj: Dude, I'm a single man. Saturday night is my party night.
Howard: Really? What do you got going on?
Raj: I don't know. Maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callenders, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Raj:What time should I be at your mother's?
Howard: I told her around seven.

Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Bert and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.

Penny: My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can't do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his stooge, his doormat.
Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain't broke...

Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine.
Penny: Oh, please let some of it be Xanax.

Raj: I've had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you've had removed from your body over the years. Didn't know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.
Mrs. Wolowitz: The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls.