Kripke: If you need my nose, you'll find it firmly lodged up the rectum of the tenure committee.

Sheldon: If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

Leonard: Oh, you do what you want. But I don't want to lose my friends over tenure. Friends are forever.
Howard: *Coughing* So is tenure.

Sheldon: Are you implying my girlfriend doesn't have any sexuality to exploit?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.

Leonard: (To Penny) Way to hit 'em with both barrels.

Amy: Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that?

Amy: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job. And no amount of gravity-defying bosom is going to change that.

Raj: I can see my little princess while I'm at work, right?
Howard: Why can't you just watch porn like a normal guy?

Raj: I was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what's going on, don't you?
Raj: Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

Howard: People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh, I always thought if I had a white name it would be Gavin.

Sheldon: Well, that stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.

Raj: No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do, unless it's Jay-Z.

Amy: Missed one. Now your wish can't come true.
Sheldon: Lucky for you because I wished you were dead.

Sheldon: You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Professor Proton: I'm having trouble with my pacemaker.
Leonard: I'll call for help.
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Professor Proton: No.