Amy: His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.

Bernadette: Just seeing that letter freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day, 'cause he accidentally wore my pants to work. I don't know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me.

Raj: Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I'm thinking turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
Leonard: I'm thinking you need a testosterone patch.

Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead.

Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of the famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Howard: Nice try. That's the plot for Goonies.

Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No, it's not.
Sheldon: Don't.

Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn't diminish my output. You know, I'm like the sun. Can't turn this off.

Raj: Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynaecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At age five, I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.

Sheldon: I won't be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.
Amy: Well you better have a good excuse this time. Because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.

Sheldon: I don't know what you're doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.

Raj: No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do, unless it's Jay-Z.

Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

Howard: Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn't seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.

Penny: What's wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushie cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody's gonna believe you.

Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That'll come later.