Penny: *Discourteously hands Howard a bottle of wine* Here, thank you for having us.
Howard: What's the matter with you?
Leonard: Oh, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's hysterical!
Penny: I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.

*Amy walks into the kitchen where Raj and Bernadette are preparing dinner*
Amy: You need any help?
Raj: Yeah, can you reach that gravy boat up there?
Amy: Sure.
Raj: Great, that makes one of you.

Raj: Amy, you're on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows.
Raj: *To Bernadette* That's right, I see you.

Howard: Sounds like Zack's the victim, you're sleeping with his wife.

Mike: How do you not make a first down there?
Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defense. They should have run it off tackle.
Mike: How the hell do you know that?
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

Howard: She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a ... well, her.

Bernadette: I guess we're going to have to do all the cooking.
Howard: I have a better idea.
Bernadette: If you think you're going to get to me do all this by yourself, you're crazy.
Howard: I was going to get Raj to do it all by himself.
Bernadette: Oh, well that's a great idea.

Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions were met: Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon: Penny!? Ha! Next ...

Raj: It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food.

Howard: My mom's been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short: they had to shoot it.
*Blank look from Bernadette's father*
Howard: ... because she's so fat.
*door rings*
Howard: I'll get the door while you finish laughing.

Leonard: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

Sheldon: Fine, I'll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined and it's on you.

Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labor under the yolk of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz's mom's with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: Wait, you went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one of those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: No they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: No they're not.
Sheldon: He's right.
Amy: They're real.
Penny: But it didn't seem real.
Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point was Las Vegas on its side?

Bernadette: Hi, dad.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Bernadette: Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
Mike: Uh, yeah, okay. It's for everybody.