Amy: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette: Where?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
Bernadette: Can't drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.

Leonard: It'll be fine. People have kids every day. You'll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You're right, it is, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn't happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate. But not your worst idea.

Howard: That's it. I got to start earning more money right now.
Raj: I know, you could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
Howard: This isn't a joke.
Raj: I wasn't joking.

Howard: Oh, my God, and do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? God, it's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.

Bernadette: So, I'm glad you guys are here. There's something I want to share with you. Howie and I are going to-
Penny: (phone beeps) Leonard says you're pregnant.
Amy: What?
Penny: "Don't say anything. Act surprised when she tells you." All right, how you want to do this?

Howard: Maybe that's an idea, guidance systems for drunk people.
Raj: They have that. It's called Uber.

Howard: Oh. I mean, how do you prepare for something like this? I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
Bernadette: Oh, it's okay, you'll figure it out.
Howard: But how's this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny? I mean, can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one, 'cause it'll wreck our marriage.
We can't get an ugly one, 'cause it'll scare the kid.
Bernadette: I don't know, Howie.
Howard: Are we in a good school district? You're Catholic, I'm Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Bernadette: Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Howard: How's it gonna be okay? Look at me, I'm a mess. And that means this baby's gonna half a mess. And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?
Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn't you discover it?
Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys homemade jam for the holidays.
Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry

Leonard: Ready to play when you are.
Howard: Yeah, um, in a minute. I actually need to tell you guys something.
Raj: If it's "thank you" for the homemade jam you got in December, congratulations, you're the first one.

Leonard: What's going on?
Howard: I'm, uh uh, gonna be a father.
Leonard: What? Congratulations.
Raj: That's so amazing.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Leonard: Why "oh, no"?
Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.
Sheldon: Oh, dear L- Penny's pregnant, too?
Leonard: You're the other baby.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?
Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon: I guess we'll call this a draw.

Bernadette: Sorry, hormones.
Penny: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was "skinny."

Leonard: Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there's this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse what if she looks like me?

Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.

Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything's going to change. Howard won't be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Oh, but then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.

Bernadette: Yeah, it's all real exciting.
Penny: Are-are you not happy about this?
Bernadette: I am. Of course I am. I'm sure it's just the hormones. But it's weird. Howie's the one who's been talking about having kids for years, and I was all excited to tell him because I thought he'd be thrilled, but then he started to flip out and now this feels like a bad idea and I'm gonna get fat.
Penny: No, no, come on. Come on, you're not gonna get fat. You're gonna be beautiful and glowing and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch.