Bernadette: Wipe that smug smile off your face.
Howard: Maybe I'm happy that so many people turned up to help the less fortunate.
Emily: Are you and I close enough for me to say-
Bernadette: That he's an ass? He beat you to it.

Howard: Wipe that smug smile off your face.
Bernadette: (Laughing) I can't!

Leonard: What number were you putting in? You don't know my birthday, do you?
Penny: Yes, I do.
Leonard: Well, what is it?
Penny: May.
Leonard: May what?
Penny: I'm not gonna say your password out loud. That is not secure!

Leonard: You don't know your own husband's birthday.
Penny: Well you don't know everything about me.
Leonard: Your birthday is December 2, you grew up on Perkins Street, the last four digits of your social are 7-6-2-1, and the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.

Penny: Oh, look at us. Our last Thanksgiving as husband and wife.

Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hi.
Amy: Ready for the aquarium?
Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.
Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.
Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list.

Sheldon: Since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?
Amy: No. You?
Sheldon: No. Since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?
Amy: I might go visit my aunt next week.
Sheldon: Mmm. Your aunt in Modesto?
Amy: No, the one in Bakersfield.
Sheldon: Mmm, Bakersfield. I see. Where has this list been all my life?

Howard: So we don't even get to be up front where the action is?
Bernadette: What difference does it make?
Howard: I don't know. I was hoping some poor kid would come up to me and say, (affecting a high-pitched, British accent) "Please, sir, I want some more."
Raj: You're in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver!
Howard: It's not like I'm expecting them to sing.

Sheldon: And then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again. Uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at, "I'd wear shorts if I had a pair" 78.

Amy: Are we done discussing the weather?
Sheldon: I don't know if I'd call it "discussing." You kind of sat back and let me do all the work.

Amy: Sheldon, we've known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.
Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?
Amy: I don't know. Just ask me whatever comes to mind.
Sheldon: Very well. I know you've been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?
Amy: Man, I walked right into that one.

Leonard: Next we need a teaspoon of pepper, which, I believe, was also the name of your childhood dog.

Penny: Fine. You think you know so much. Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
Leonard: Baby.
Penny: Who's my favorite member of NSYNC?
Leonard: Justin.
Penny: Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Leonard: (Scoffs) Nice try. NSYNC forever.
Penny: Damn it!

Leonard: Face it, you can't stump me. I am the king of husbands.
I know that you don't like the lingerie that I got you on Valentine's Day.
I know you hate the word "moist."
I know-
Penny: Hang on. Wait, wait. Why don't I like the lingerie you got me?
Leonard: Because it's orange and you think it makes you look like a slutty carrot.
Penny: Interesting. I never told you that.
Leonard: Sure you did.
Penny: No. I never told anyone that. But I did write it in my journal.
Leonard: (In a high-pitched voice) What? I didn't know you had a journal.
Penny: I also know your voice gets higher when you're lying.
Leonard: (In a deep voice) No, it doesn't.

Raj: You know, this reminds me of high school.
Emily: You worked in a restaurant?
Raj: No, I was in India. It was humid and smelled funny.