Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard's moving in with Penny. It's difficult not to feel abandoned.
Bernadette: Well, why don't you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face.
Chris Pratt's all the rage right now. I wonder how he'd feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

Bernadette: You know who would be the perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Gandalf, but he's a smoker.

Bernadette: Stuart. He's been living with us for a while now. I'm sure he'd love to get us out of his hair.
Stuart: Nope, couldn't be happier.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon's looking for a -
Stuart: Nope!
Bernadette: He'll think about it.
Stuart: No I won't!

Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.
Penny: Oh, we're glad you had fun.
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddie. You're a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I'm 90.

Sheldon: So that's all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?
Leonard: Come on, buddy.
Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might've said yes.

Penny: Sheldon, please, we already feel bad about this.
Sheldon: You know what they don't sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment.
Although, if anyone did, it would be them.

Penny: What are you doing back?
Leonard: We got a flat and couldn't get the tire off.
Penny: Oh, I'm sorry.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy's ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.
Sheldon: We blew up Feynman's van.
Penny: My dad killed my pig with his tractor.
Leonard: I spent the night in Mexico with Sheldon.
Penny: You win.

Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.
Howard: No, it's too broad of a beam. You'd need something more precise, like Superman's heat vision.
Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern's ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.
Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?
Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.
Leonard: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn't a perfectly reasonable choice, but we're scientists. Don't you think we can figure this out using actual science?
Sheldon: Yes, we could use science. But it's your bachelor party. Lighten up.

Howard: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Raj: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Sheldon: Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, playin' in the street, gonna be a big man someday.
You got mud on your face, you big disgrace.
Kickin' your can all over the place.
I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it's a curse.

Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?
Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.
Sheldon: We do?
Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
Sheldon: That's not very nice.
Leonard: It's a bachelor party. Lighten up.

Howard: You put up a good fight, lug nut, but you've met your match.

Raj: Hey, look! The lug nut's off.

Penny: Thanks a lot, guys.
Bernadette: What did we do?
Penny: Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy and rolling around in the mud. Now he's illegally buried in our backyard next to my great-grandmother.
Bernadette: Really? They didn't eat him?
Penny: No! He was a beloved member of the family.
Bernadette: The breakfast meat family?

Amy: Hi, Mom.
How are you doing? Oh, good.
How's work? That's nice.
I'm fine.
Hey, listen, I've been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along?
Penny: Okay, just give me that. Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies!
Hang on. She wants to talk to you.