Penny: Oh, it's Bernadette. She says they're running late. "The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard."
Leonard: Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.

Sheldon: I don't come into your house and touch your board.
Leslie: There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon: Oh, that is so... so...
Leslie: I'm sorry, I've got to run. If you come up with an adjective, text me.

Howard: I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

Sheldon: It's not my fault your mother likes me better than she does you.
Leonard: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Mary Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.
Sheldon: I was a handful.
Leonard: You still are.

Mary Cooper: How was your flight?
Beverly Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mary Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone - not saying who - was watching over the plane.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.

Penny: Oh, there it is again. You think I'm stupid.
Leonard: No, there's a difference between being stupid and acting stupid.
Penny: Oh, yeah? Well, there's a difference between being a jerk and being an ass.
Leonard: No, there isn't. They're synonyms.

Howard: See, he's not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Well, he's a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it's a firmware problem.

Leonard: Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here.
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.

Leonard: I just keep thinking how cool it would be if I called my mom and told her that I got tenure at Caltech.
Penny: She'd be proud, huh?
Leonard: Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call.

Leonard: You see, I used to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I became a good guy. See, that's kind of my superpower. I'm like Captain Good Guy!
(Alice pushes him out, then slams door)
Leonard: It's okay. Did the right thing. *tightens his jacket* You idiot!

Howard: You're still working on Sheldon's dumb brain teaser?
Leonard: Oh, my God, Dr. Purple's a woman! Of course! Oh, that feels so good.

Sheldon: Oh, I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Eh, that just means going barefoot.

President Siebert: Ah. There's my band of brainiacs. Where's Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: He's tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.