Leonard: If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.
Penny: Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.

Raj: (In a sing-songy fashion) You see, I was at the doctor's office, the folder was right there, so I took a peek.
Howard: (Imitating Koothrappali) And talking like this doesn't make it less creepy.

Althea: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
Raj: I'm sorry. That's ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?
Althea: I'm just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?
Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.

Amy: You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery.

Althea: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense?

Althea: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?
Howard: No idea. Ask him.
Raj: 12 minutes.
Althea: 12 minutes? Why are you here?
Stuart: Aren't we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?
Althea: This is a hospital, not the airport.

Bernadette: I'm sorry.It's our first time.
Althea: It's okay. This little one will be here before you know it. Do we know what we're having?
Howard: No, we're keeping it a surprise.
Althea: Old school. Nice.
Bernadette: Not that old school. He knows.

Howard: Oh, man. This is really happening. You doin' okay?
Bernadette: Here comes another contraction.
Stuart: Let's pick it up!
Raj: All right, hold on. I'm gonna drive like we do in India. (honking the horn) Get out of my way, you syphilitic dogs!
Howard: Stop that! This isn't India.
Raj: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?

Howard: Sorry, I know you were just trying to help. (To Bernadette) I love you.
Raj: I love you, too. We're good.

Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.
Leonard: Well, I'd like that, too.
Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I'm not just saying that because it touched your genitals.
Leonard: You promise?
Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.

Theodore: Well if we're rubbing genitals on things, that's where I shine.

Penny: Little lower to the left. A little more.
Leonard: Is it good?
Penny: No, still hideous.
Leonard: Well, I'm sure at some point, we won't even notice it's there.
Penny: Yeah, you'd think that, but after a while it starts showing up in your dreams.

Howard: Hey, tomorrow who wants to paint the nursery?
Raj: I'll do it.
Stuart: Why do you get to do it? I'm the artist.
Raj: Just because you're starving doesn't make you an artist.
Stuart: Just because I look sickly doesn't mean I'm starving.

Bernadette: (off-screen) Howard!
Howard: Guys, you heard her, go see what she wants.
Bernadette: (enters the room) I think I'm in labor.
Howard: Oh, oh, okay. Okay, uh, uh, uh, I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan.
Stuart: I'll get the hospital bag.
Raj: I'll pull the van up.
Stuart: Meet you outside in 2 minutes.
Raj: Team Baby, go!
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go!