Beverly Hofstadter: So, what do you do for a living?
Randall: Mommy, you want to take this one?
Susan: Um, Randall's in between jobs.
Randall: (whispering) And court appearances.

Susan: Thank you for cleaning yourself up for your sister's wedding.
Randall: Thank you for my new teeth.

Bernadette: We're here today to celebrate love.
(Beverly sighs loudly)
Alfred Hofstadter: Sigh louder, no one heard you!

Alfred Hofstadter: I'd like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don't bring out the best in each other. But something wonderful did come from our relationship, that young man right there.
Beverly Hofstadter: I couldn't agree more.
Stuart: (tearing up) That's beautiful.

Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you for taking us to the airport.
Leonard: Hey, I'm just thrilled we're all getting along for a minute.
Alfred Hofstadter: Yeah, me, too. Beverly, I'm sorry if I upset you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Water under the bridge, Alfred. Leonard, why don't you get into the carpool lane?
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, that's a solid line. He can't cross it.
Leonard: That's okay. I can make it over.
Beverly Hofstadter: No, no, let's plod along. It'll make your father feel more comfortable.
Alfred Hofstadter: What makes me comfortable is knowing I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning and see your sour face.
Beverly Hofstadter: Do the world a favor, and don't wake up tomorrow morning.
Leonard: That was almost a minute.

Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we're all just characters in some advanced civilization's video game.
Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?
Sheldon: Well, he doesn't say it's a good game.

Leonard: You realize if the military declares our research classified, they can take the whole thing away from us.
Howard: And if that happens, we'll never be able to sell it commercially.
Leonard: There goes our big payday.
Howard: I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.
Leonard: You do that, too?
Howard: Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin?

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
Raj: You're kidding, right?
Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn't you ever think, "Hey, that could be me"?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard's on board.

Bernadette: I don't believe this.
Amy: What's wrong?
Bernadette: This guy from the office just congratulated me on being pregnant.
Amy: You did already know, right?

Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.
Sheldon: I don't see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.
Howard: First of all, he's in Boca Raton, which is better than Fort Lauderdale. But more importantly, he lasted two days on Jeopardy, so he's clearly a smart guy.

Howard: Do you have any advice for us?
Marty: Well, I don't know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is: hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don't sign anything.
Sheldon: "Don't sign anything"? That's your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you'd recommend that we leave that unsigned?
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: That's what you said.
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don't mean and meaning things you don't say.

Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: What brings you by?
Penny: Oh, had to go to a sales seminar on our new sleeping pill.
Bernadette: Oh, how was it?
Penny: Great.
Bernadette: Fell asleep?
Penny: In, like, two minutes.

Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

Sheldon: Ooh, can I use text-to-speech software?
Howard: No!
Leonard: Don't speak.
Sheldon's phone: (electronic male voice) Aw, nuts.

Amy: Hi. Howard told me you were working late, so I brought dinner.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks. You know, I just wanted to get some work done without people congratulating me about the baby every five minutes.
Amy: I spent my day alone in the lab waiting for a rat to die of anthrax.
Bernadette: Did you come here to bring me dinner or to gloat?