Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, wait.
Penny: Why?
Beverly Hofstadter: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.
Leonard: Wait, why? What's wrong?
Sheldon: Wha- Are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what's wrong?

Beverly Hofstadter: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.
Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Stop it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do I say "Stop what?" or just throw in the towel?

Leonard: Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.
Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.
Beverly Hofstadter: (slowly thinks about it) Well, we can't have that.

Colonel Williams: Hello. I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Raj: Howard Wolowitz?
Colonel Williams: I have the right address, don't I?
Raj: Address?
Colonel Williams: Is he here?
Raj: Um, no.
Colonel Williams: Do you know where I can find him?
Raj: May I ask what this is about?
Colonel Williams: No, you may not.
Raj: Very well. (tips his hat)
Colonel Williams: Have him call me.
Raj: Okay.
(Colonel Williams starts to walk away)
Howard: (off-screen) Raj, who's at the door?
Raj: (To Colonel Williams) That's not him.

Penny: Oh, I can't wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.
Susan: Like what? Do they know about your brother?
Penny: Uh, not everything. Just, like, the jail and drugs part.

Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn't need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but-
Wyatt: Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it!

Howard: Uh, this is Howard Wolowitz for Colonel Richard Williams.
Raj: Oh, I take it back, don't mention me.
Howard: Hi, Colonel Williams, how can I help you? What? Oh, uh, yes, he is from India. No, I don't know his immigration status. (Raj looks panicked.)
Howard: (To Raj) Relax, I'm still on hold!

Leonard: I'm glad you decided to stay. It's gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I can't wait for this day to be over.
Leonard: Yeah, special, like that.

Leonard: That's them. Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.

Penny: Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time, and-and they're academics and-and intellectuals, and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

Beverly Hofstadter: You're not seriously going to visit each other.
Alfred Hofstadter: And why wouldn't we?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh please, you're just saying this to antagonize me.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that's just a bonus.

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Susan: No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw! (Penny and Wyatt clink their beer bottles together)

Amy: Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong. I think it's nice they're hitting it off.
Sheldon: Well, that's still no reason to rush into anything. Look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn't even hold hands for two years.
Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.