Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, it's one o'clock, weren't you going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock?
Leonard: There's no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverly Hofstadter: But it's one o'clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o'clock.

Leonard: I think you'll find my work pretty interesting. I'm attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverly Hofstadter: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, what's the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.

Howard: Just for the record, we're not in an ersatz homosexual relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn't you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It's not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can't believe you're bringing that up.
Raj: I didn't bring it up. You did.
Howard: We'll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: Come on in.

Penny: Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Oh, relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.

Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.

Sheldon: I'd love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I'll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can't believe that.
Beverly Hofstadter: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I've been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverly Hofstadter: Understandable.

Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverly Hofstadter: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.

Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I'd feel the same way. But based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverly Hofstadter: True. I've had a similar observation. It's certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverly Hofstadter: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Only when you're in a CAT scanner.

Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed.

Leonard: All right, Mother. Um, have a nice flight.
Beverly Hofstadter: That's not really in my control, is it?

Penny: I mean, my mom could've just said, Bob, get over it, she's a girl, move on. But she didn't. Not one word.
Beverly Hofstadter: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it would help me.

Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.
Howard: I told you, my mom has spider veins. I had to take her to the laser clinic.

Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.

Howard: Court-martial, shmort-martial, Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with. I mean, for free.
Raj: And plus, you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude.
Leonard: And the rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard: Okay. One way to look at this is I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful.