Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits?' Does he provide her with health insurance?

Penny: Hey, guys. What'd I miss, what'd I miss?
Howard: Giselle's hanging by a thread.
Penny: Oh, good, I hate her.
Howard: Then you're not invited to our wedding.

Penny: What are we gonna do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now, you are you and you are screwed!

Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy, they're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosoms jump out and say "Howdy".
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "Howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would've said "Huzzah".
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

Wolowitz: The way I see it, I'm halfway to pity sex.

Sheldon: Oh Mario, if only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber. Hop, hop hop!

Leonard: Don't you think if a woman was living with me I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.

Howard: Enough with the guilt, ma. We'll still see each other. I'll come over every night and have dinner with you.
Mrs. Wolowitz The hell you will! What am I running here, a fancy restaurant? Does this look like the Olive Garden?

Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.
Leonard: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Sheldon: And you said there would never be enough pasta for the three of us.

Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall. Whose length exceeded his bed. "My body fits on it. But barely upon it. There's no room for my big Cornish head!"

Howard: Okay make your little jokes, but out of the four of us, I'm the only one who's making real world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh: He's right, this is an important achievement for two reasons. Number one and of course number two!

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: You know, I'm a physicist, I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I wouldn't go so far as to forbid it.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hi, Mom, how are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that's not fair! Why should I have to apologize? I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you're right. I don't really know what Jesus thinks about. All right! Goodbye. [hangs up] [to Leonard] Did you tell on me?
Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have 2 strikes

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!