Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not feeling so hot either.
Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?
Penny: I don't know, empathy?

Leonard: Hey. What's going on?
Sheldon: Oh, you'd like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.

Penny: All right, want some French toast?
Sheldon: It's Oatmeal Day.
Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?

Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard: Sorry. I haven't given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon: It's an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you'd have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don't.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah. Yeah, now that's you, obnoxious and insufferable.

Raj: I think we're fitting in quite nicely.
Howard: It'd help if you weren't drinking light beer.
Raj: Oh, what's so Gothic about vodka and cranberry juice?
Howard: Hello, it looks like blood. Did you even read the wikiHow link I sent you on being goth?
Raj: No, I'm behind on my wiki reading. I'm kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
Howard: What?
Raj: Well, I finished reading The Pelican Brief and loved it so much, I dived right into The Client. He was a lawyer himself so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.

Raj: Light beers? Well, wikiHow about that?

Raj: Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham?

Sheldon: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the Bazinga! was implied.

Sheldon: I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon: (Squirts Leonard with a water spray) Bad Leonard!

Bethany: So what do you guys do?
Howard: Oh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
Raj: Goth food.
Sarah: What's goth food?
Raj: Uh ... blackened salmon?

Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we're scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences?
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous un-dead out and about.
Howard: Oy vey.

Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga!

Sheldon: You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You're not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. Were talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I'm not. And Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn't prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You're not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.