Howard: I can't believe I wasted all that money.
Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.

Raj: Oh, I'm not dark chocolate. I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel.

Sheldon: See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other, which is baffling because they're both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they're bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfok.
Sheldon: Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother's heart!

Amy: I don't care for your friend, he's being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.
Sheldon: Amy, I can't just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He's a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

Sheldon: Wow, Amy's mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.

Penny: Hey, sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?

Raj: Wow. An end of an era.
Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk.
Leonard: They'd say, why does he touch himself so much?
Howard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls.
Penny: I had a weird feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon: Penny, please. I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.
Penny: And for the record, bleugh.

Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out together. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh yeah, think about it. We'd hang out, read comic books, we'd see movies. It'd be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I'd take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?

Raj: It's nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, there's no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.

Sheldon: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

Amy: As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.
Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I've been working on this facial expression all day.
Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I canceled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.

Howard: Bernie's a little cranky since she's been working, like, seventeen hours a day. And I've got a lot on my plate, too, because I've been busting my tail playing Assassin's Creed.