Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.

Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-ow!

Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I- I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren't you?
Bert: Yeah.

Howard: Okay, fine. Let's say there was a moment.
Raj: There was.
Howard: There wasn't. But even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?
Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
Howard: So nothing.
Raj: No, not a thing.

Penny: Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh, after I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon: I've seen that. Yeah. "Serial Apeist". Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door.

Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.

Amy: Well, it sounds like you're saying that I could do better than Sheldon.
Bernadette: Boy, these drinks are strong. Oh mama, I'm gonna be huggin' the toilet tonight.
Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that.
Bernadette: I just meant that you're not married and your boyfriend's kind of, Sheldon.
Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard.

Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No. Yeah.

Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you've got your health.
Penny: Really? That, that's it? That's comforting?
Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you'll both be dead and it won't matter?
Penny: No. Come on, you're supposed to say, "Of course he misses you, the only reason he's partying is to cover up his pain."
Sheldon: Oh, no, I don't think that's true at all.

Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because hes off having a good time?
Sheldon: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?
Penny: Okay, that- that's great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.
Sheldon: Actually, I can't. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I'd take care of you.
Penny: He did?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Oh, that's really sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he'd bring me back a Sailor's cap.

Raj: I'd like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.

Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She's probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.

Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.
Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they're yours, then they're a drag. Bernadette: To the advancement of science.
Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.

Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this ones gone all cattywampus.

Penny: Why don't you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life. Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (taps out "no" in morse code)