Leonard: There's chapters about potty training, bed wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it!

Penny: Not even the one on the breast feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh my God, you still go left!

Sheldon: Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so I'm trying to find something beloved of hers and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?

Raj: I wish I had a friend like me.

Bernadette: (Shouting at another driver) Your kid might be a honor student but you're a moron!

Bernadette: Oh my God! You did not just slow down for a bird! You know they fly, right?

Bernadette: You suck so hard!

Sheldon: I'm not a child. I know the word 'ninny.'

Raj: If you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with a weapon of indifference, it was all of you!

Sheldon: I'm sorry, are we really doing this? Or are we tricking him again like with the dinner party?

Sheldon: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team and I'm stuck with the liability?

Amy: As my mom used to say, "When you're doing a puzzle, it's like you've got a thousand friends." She was full of fun lies like that.

Sheldon: My brain is better than everybody's!

Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we could score us some free omelettes.

Leonard: Since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette: Oh, it happened just after you left.
Leonard: And no one told me?
Howard: (Emotionally) I can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: *Hands Howard the Vagisil coupon* Think of Sheldon when you apply it.